THE BIG C: SEX & RELATIONSHIPS

PART I - MY STARTING POINT

1.            MATCHING EXPECTATIONS WITH REALITY

My adolescent hopes (fuelled by erotic fiction and the ease of orgasm through masturbation) were that I would find sex to be as pleasurable as men.  I did not find this to be the case and this chapter proposes that men and women react differently in reality.  It was not apparent to me how I could use my ability to orgasm through masturbation during sex with a partner, since the two experiences were quite different.  Given there were no easy solutions to my dilemma my partner’s desire for sex was the main driver for our sexual relationship from the beginning.

2.            APPRECIATING WOMEN’S SEXUAL ROLE

This chapter explores women’s sexual role and attempts to explain why women might engage in sex without orgasm.  Sex is likely to be different for a woman because sex involves her in more risk.  Women also need to offer a mate enough sex to stop him wandering off with someone more amenable.  Sex can be fun even without orgasm if a woman appreciates being able to excite a man sexually.

3.         THE MALE SEX DRIVE

For fear of implying that women have no sexual instincts at all, the sexual revolution left us with the concept that women have an equal sex drive to men.  Nevertheless, my experience indicated that men’s sex drive was much stronger than I experienced as a woman.  Moreover, I concluded that men need women to engage on arousing them sexually in order to release sexual frustration.  Men find that explicit eroticism tends to shock women so they learn to cover up their interest in sex.

4.         THE ‘PHYSICAL’ SOLUTION

This chapter discusses Shere Hite’s conclusion that most women will find orgasm easier during masturbation.  Women who do orgasm during intercourse, for the most part, have adopted techniques for ensuring that they increase the amount of clitoral stimulation.  These techniques took some time (years) to learn.  Shere Hite explained my experience but she did not offer any solutions for a sexual relationship that allows only for male orgasm.

PART II – IN SEARCH OF SOME ANSWERS

5.            MISCONCEPTIONS & FALLACIES

This chapter covers some of the mysticism and mis-information surrounding the phenomena of female arousal and orgasm, which make it difficult to compare notes with other women.  I came to realise just how embarrassed and defensive most people still are about talking about sex.  Instead of common sense and logic, explanations were mostly emotional.  Old wives tales include the belief that orgasms happen ‘naturally’ as long as a woman loves her partner.

6.         LACK OF SIMPLE SOLUTIONS

This chapter explains that therapists do not necessarily know much more about female sexuality than anyone else.  The reasons given for a woman who does not have the ‘normal sexual experience’ do not stack up if one applies a little common sense.  I concluded that in our society, few people worry about the quality of their sex lives.  Most people worry simply about whether they can have sex at all.

7.            SEXUAL EGO & DEFENSIVENESS

This chapter proposes that our view of sex and women’s attitudes to sex, in particular, have not always been as they are today.  The sexual revolution was the catalyst for the belief that once ‘liberated’ by the pill, women would suddenly respond sexually more like men.  Both experts and amateurs strongly defend the view that women actively seek and enjoy sex as much as men.  I concluded that we are so easily seduced by fantasy that even when reality tells us that our dreams can never be realised, we persist in our hopes.

8.         LOW EXPECTATION FOR FEMALE ORGASM

This chapter discusses why many people thought that my expectations were unrealistic.  Other women have not necessarily hoped for orgasm from their sex lives.

The suggestion appeared to be that women are accepting of intercourse without orgasm but I could not understand why they should be.  I concluded that our expectation drives us to set our personal standards but, at the end of the day, we need to learn to be content with what we have.

PART III – HOW WOMEN ACHIEVE AROUSAL TO ORGASM

9.            WOMEN’S SEX DRIVE

This chapter goes back to basics and tries to apply common sense to some of the fallacies that have arisen from wishful thinking.  Human biology gives us plenty of clues that men and women are likely to have quite different sexual motivations.  Younger women may have difficulty understanding that sex changes over time and what starts as a relative novelty can become more onerous over the years.  The positive side of admitting that women are less driven is that men need not worry about being oversexed and women need not fear that they are ‘inhibited’.

10.       THE MYSTERY OF FEMALE AROUSAL

This chapter explains that often when women are described as being ‘turned on’ we simply mean that they are amenable to having sex.  However, logically women must be aroused to the same degree that men are when they reach orgasm.  Since women do not respond to visual stimuli as men do, there must be another psychological mechanism that enables a woman to become ‘aroused to orgasm’.  I concluded that women must rely on sexual fantasy more than men do in order to generate arousal and orgasm.

11.       THE ‘PSYCHOLOGICAL’ SOLUTION

This chapter contrasts men’s quite natural transition from masturbation to sex with a partner with women’s which is not so straightforward.  Women do not respond to physical stimulation in the way that men do nor do they have the visual response to a sexual partner that men have.  More importantly, their mode of fantasy does not transfer as easily as men’s.  Many women use fantasy during sex to generate arousal and orgasm but other women find they cannot apply their fantasy techniques to sex with a partner.

12.            APPRECIATING THE ROLE OF FANTASY

This chapter discusses the implication of women’s use of fantasy for arousal.

I concluded that erotic (as opposed to romantic) fantasy is the mechanism that women use to become ‘aroused to orgasm’ both in masturbation and during sex.  Our fantasies, by definition, represent the aspects of sex that we find most arousing and hence most taboo.  Women have to make a conscious decision to indulge in fantasy and this is not always compatible with sexual activity with a partner.

PART IV – WHY OTHER WOMEN DO NOT REACT AS I DID

13.            CONFUSION OVER FEMALE ORGASM

This chapter explores the difficulties with identifying female orgasm.  It is possible to be vague about female orgasm because women do not have the same need as men to release sexual tension.  Slowly I realised that many women never discover masturbation (to orgasm) and hence they most likely have never experienced orgasm.

Since many women never experienced orgasm, they have no expectation for orgasm during sex with a partner.

14.       THE EMOTIONAL ASPECTS OF SEX

This chapter presents the more sensual and loving aspects of a sexual relationship.

Some women said they enjoyed orgasms during intercourse but these orgasms did not appear to motivate them either to masturbate or to initiate sex with a partner.  Women who orgasm from sex presumably find that the rewards are lower (less intense orgasm) and the effort more (more stimulation required).  Many women participate in sex as a consequence of their partner’s sex drive and they approach sex as a loving act without hoping for orgasm.

15.       THE GAP IN MEN & WOMEN’S VIEW OF SEX

This chapter explores the concept of ‘sex play’ and discusses why women are more reluctant to engage in frivolous sexual activity then men typically are.  Men and women live in different worlds when it comes to sexual contemplation.  We should never feel obliged to participate in intimate activities that cause us to feel uncomfortable.  With that proviso, sex can be innocent fun if a couple is prepared to invest some effort and employ a little imagination.

16.       MY EXPERIENCE WAS UNUSUAL

This chapter explains that masturbation is relatively uncommon for women because enjoyment of orgasm relies on the use of erotic fantasy, which many women find distasteful.  Women who do not masturbate do not have more success with intercourse.  They simply miss out on the pleasures of masturbation.  Masturbation is an innocent pleasure that has no harmful side effects either for the individual or for the couple’s sexual relationship.

PART V – RETHINKING SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS

17.            FINDING A BALANCE

This chapter suggests that relationships are a compromise where each side needs to be willing to invest effort if there is to be any quality in the relationship.  Men and women should appreciate what each person needs from and gives to the relationship and family.  Sex can become mundane in long-term relationships and the couple needs to invest effort in making their sex life more varied.  The man needs to be prepared to build in some massage for the woman so that he is not the only person gaining some personal pleasure.

18.       WHAT MEN WANT

This chapter tries to reassure men that their partner can be seduced but that their tactics may need to be more subtle than they initially think.  Men want sex desperately and are afraid that any change may threaten their sex life.  Once in a while, it is worth the woman making a special effort to indulge a man’s fantasies.  Men have great difficult empathising with a woman’s position in a sexual relationship.

19.       WHAT WOMEN WANT

This chapter tries to present the female perspective on sex in the longer term.  Men need to understand that sex does not stand on its own in a relationship.  A couple needs to make effort to communicate over a sexual relationship.  Given that a couple’s sexual relationship is primarily for the man’s benefit, the man needs to invest effort in listening and engaging on activities that the woman enjoys.

20.            KEEPING SEX ALIVE

This chapter concludes that some things do improve over time as a woman’s clitoris becomes slightly less sensitive to her partner’s touch.  Occasional weekends away work well as opportunities for injecting some new life into a long-term sexual relationship.  From time to time a couple should try something different in order to bring a little variety into their sex life.  Men need to invest a great deal of effort in learning massage and masturbation techniques that will arouse a woman.